Evolution Has Inevitably Produced Utilikilt™️ Man

By Craig Packard

As the eons have passed, and whatever manner of slimy lizard-like creature that crawled out of the primordial sea and, through myriad small, seemingly imperceptible changes that we are predisposed to see as “progress,” eventually gave rise to Homo sapiens sapiens—that is, us—evolution has finally reached its pinnacle: Utilikilt™️ Man.

Behold the Utilikilt™️ Man.  He is bold.  He is brave.  He is certainly an iconoclast.  A maverick.  A man with balls.  Balls so great that he will—nay, must—wear a kilt.  And don’t you dare call it a (gasp) skirt.  Fool!  No, Utilikilt™️ Man dons the kilt because pants would certainly bind and chafe his tremendous balls.  Pants would constrain those ponderous orbs and relegate them to a horrid, humid life.  Really, no life at all.  These balls will not be confined!  Balls of such magnitude emit immense heat and require access to a gentle breeze at all times, in all types of weather, lest they produce moisture and odors the likes of which you would not wish to imagine.  Balls, my friends, that yearn to be free!


A word we do not take lightly here at ISJ.

And yet…

We have questions.

Indeed the website includes a helpful FAQ section.  But much of what’s in there seems rather, let us say, self-serving.  For instance, there seem to be several coy suggestions about how easy it is for Utilikilt™️ Man‘s many prospective conquests to access his world-destroying balls.  Come now, Utilikilt™️ Man, we see you, and we believe your sex-free lifestyle is one of choice. Possibly even your own.

Additionally, why does the Utilikilt™️ have so many pockets? It is boasted that the wearer can carry an entire six-pack—or more—which is good, because it is important to hydrate, especially when you’re losing so much sweat from those amaze-balls.  But could it be the case that this is an end run around an injunction against the wearing of cargo shorts?  A Utilikilt™️, it could be argued, is just a crotchless pair of cargo shorts.  Has Utilikilt™️ Man simply found a fashion loophole?

The main thrust, if you will, of our questions, however, can really be boiled down to this: is it us, or is there a Utilikilt™️ type?  And by type, we do mean body type.  Why is it the image Utilikilt™️ Man seems to want to project is this:

While the reality seems to be more like this:

We at ISJ don’t wish to seem to be engaging in any form of body shaming, and perhaps it is so that Utilikilt™️ Man cares not for the proclivities nor the prejudices of mere ordinary men.  Perhaps not.

Shine on, Utilikilt™️ Man.  We salute you.  And your prodigious balls.

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