So you want to shave your junk. First question: why? No, seriously. Why?
Okay, let’s set that aside for a moment, because you really seem to want to go through with this, although most of us spend our lives trying to keep sharp objects away from our precious jewels. But not you. No, sir. You want to have a smooth pair. Fine. But if you’re really going there, you should do so with the utmost care and preparation.
You’re going to want to use the right products for this delicate procedure while you’re at it. No, you don’t want to just use your cheap-ass Barbisol shaving foam and go to town. Did we mention this is delicate? Did someone put you up to this, by the way? A woman? If she loved you, she’d love you just the way you are. Furry seventies porn muff and all. Okay, you want to “please” her. You crave her approval. Fine. We like Pacific Shave‘s line of shaving products. As an added bonus, all their packages (heh-heh, packages) are TSA compliant 3.4 oz or less, which means they can go in your carry on luggage, in case you need to do a little touch up while on a “business trip” to Thailand. For some reason, some of their products are caffeinated, which we don’t fully understand, but hey, we support caffeine.
First, you’ll want to make sure you’re nice an clean down there, because you’re a dirty, dirty boy, aren’t you? I mean, how’d you even learn about this? Porn. We know you did. Clean up your filthy junk with Pacific Shave’s Bamboo pre-shave scrub. Bamboo to exfoliate, because you gotta exfoliate, bro.
Now don’t just dive in there with a blade. Have you ever tried to mow the lawn when it’s up around mid-calf? The mower just bogs down. Shit gets messy. You gotta get in there with a trimmer first. This rechargeable Norelco shaver/trimmer will do the trick. It has a trimmer at one end to get that jungle under control before you go in closer with the shaver end.
If that isn’t close enough for you–or for whoever put you up to this–you’re going to need to get in there with a blade. Yeah, that’s right, a blade. You’re looking a little pale. Are you still up for this? This is where things get serious. A regular razor, the kind you’d use on your face, is all you need, but for God’s sake, don’t use the same blade for both. I shouldn’t have to tell you why. Get a fresh blade for this mission. Here’s where you’ll want to apply the Pacific Shave shaving cream. And what the hell, try the caffeinated one. It’s supposed to tighten up your skin. And considering how wrinkly things are down there, that ain’t a bad idea.
You want to take extra care to give yourself a smooth cutting surface, so use your non-shaving hand to tug the skin back tight. Don’t get carried away just because I said “tug,” don’t forget what we’re doing here. You want to maintain focus and a steady hand. Slip ups right now are really, really bad. You still with me? It’s not too late to back out. It might not be bad for you to stand up to her now. Right now. No? Proceed with care then. No rush.
Assuming everything went well and you aren’t en route to the nearest emergency room for stitches or reattachment, you’ll want to finish up with a nice application of Pacific Shave’s after shave, because you definitely don’t want razor burn down there.
Now that you’re done with the ordeal that will soon become an unpleasant ritual, stand back and admire your handiwork in the mirror. Yes, it really is that ugly. Yes, you probably were better off with as much bush as possible to conceal that fact, but you asked for this. Enjoy!