Mansplainer: Life Hacks

Many people ask me how I seem to have it all figured out and be successful at everything without overreaching or underachieving.  They ask me how I have attained fulfillment, contentment, and self-actualization while retaining a healthy ambition and curiosity.  They ask me how it is that I seem to have no problems or issues of any kind, no complaints about anything, and how it is I can have so much game.

The answer is simple:  Life Hacks.

Sure, you’ve heard of life hacks, but usually they’re doing it all wrong.  You may not have noticed, but I have found ways through the simple emotional, financial, and physical barriers that hold most of you back.  There’s no trick.  Other than these simple tricks.  The little things around the periphery of life add up to huge advantages, and can lead to an understanding of our existence–if done right.  You may not have even noticed some of my habits.  I try to keep them subtle:

10.  I always take as many free packets of sugar as possible at restaurants and coffee shops.  It can add up–Life Hack!

9.   I always have my protractor wherever I go.  I’m subtle about this, but it’s important to know all the angles–Life Hack!

8.   Do you notice that you run out of soap and shampoo (toilet paper, condoms, pickles) right after I visit your house?  Yes, I’ve been stealing your soap and shampoo (etc.).  That stuff’s expensive–Life Hack!

7.   I never eat fish sticks–Life Hack!

6.   I make my own automotive window-washing fluid–Life Hack!

5.   One word: hoodie–Life Hack!

4.   I use muffin tins to hold condiments at parties and get-togethers–Life Hack!

3.   I always sleep with a chicken thigh under my pillow–Life Hack!

2.   I put deodorant on my feet–Life Hack

1.   While you sleep, I put deodorant all over you and your belongings.  Seriously, you should get checked by a doctor–Life Hack!

You may have noticed that the world has been getting ever so slightly less chaotic and more orderly and wondered what mysterious force was gently guiding our species toward inevitable betterment.  You scarcely suspected that the hand on the rudder was mine, so subtle was my influence.  People are a little friendlier; they smile a little more easily. Strangers offer help unbidden; they call you “brother.”  Perhaps you’ve sensed that, ever so slightly, the scales are tipping away from despair toward, dare I even say it: hope.  A spark has been lit and so dazzled were you by its brilliance, you failed to notice the flint I held.  The seeds I’ve been planting all these years have sprouted and my darling buds are just beginning to bloom.

But really, it’s no single big thing.  It’s a lot of little things that add up to a lifestyle.  Some say that it’s impossible to find complete satisfaction and contentment, but I say that’s bullshit because I’ve totally done it as I’ve proven above.  I kick ass!  Do you understand?  Ass!

Perhaps you are not ready.  Keep hacking, brother.

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