Mansplainer: No, You’re Not Afraid of Clowns, STFU.



At some point, it became a thing to pretend to be afraid of clowns. I don’t know how exactly, but I suspect someone—probably in some quirky-ass movie, probably with quirky-ass Zach Braff’s unbelievably punchable face in it (the Germans have a wonderful word for the face in need of punching or slapping: backpfeifengesicht, the more you know…) –once said something like, “Y’know, I don’t like clowns. I find them annoying and, frankly, a little creepy. I mean, who dresses up in draq queen makeup to make balloon animals for children?” And that person’s buddy likely said something like, “What?!? Clowns? Creepy? What’s the matter with you? Are you dead inside?” And if that had been the end of it, everything would have been fine.

But some jackass–probably trying to seem “quirky,” but in a cool way–took it too far. They claimed to actually be afraid of clowns. Of clowns. And this somehow caught on. It undoubtedly cracked people up when they heard that, and they thought, I too shall pretend to be afraid of clowns, so people will think me quirky like that fellow.

Obviously, this little joke went too far and now we have jackasses claiming to be actually afraid. Again, of clowns. Like a phobia. Now, phobias are real, but usually they’re an irrational fear of things like sharks, or of heights, or spiders. Things that probably won’t—hence the “irrational” part—but could actually hurt you. A shark might bite you and that would ruin your whole day. You could fall off things that are high. That’s crappy. And a spider–well, holy fuckballs! Get that away from me! That’s not even irrational, that’s just frickin’ self-preservation. Yeesh!

Are you even aware that police shootings of clowns are up 900% this year alone?  Okay, I made that up, but you can easily see how things could get to that point when some have already found it necessary to have an actual, not made up, event called Clown Lives Matter.  These guys just want to be free to dress up in costumes a touch children.  Touch the lives, the lives, of children, that is. Yeah, I know it still doesn’t sound good.

Listen, clowns may be weird, they may even be slightly creepy, and they may have questionable motives, but they are not something you’re really afraid of. They just aren’t. So go back to your fear of old people.


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