Ask This Asian Chick: Dating Apps

This Asian Chick receives many questions about online dating: what to say, what not to say, how many photos shirtless in a public bathroom mirror selfies to include, (the answer is four, minimum, to let her know your relationship with her will not be complicated by your many, many friends), etc. So, I thought I would give some short answers to a few of the common questions. If you have questions, submit them through our IG: @internationalsmokingjacket for future installments.

Hey Asian Chick,

My girlfriend just told me to get a job or move out. How long should I wait to put up a profile on a dating app?

Thanks!

Likes Obvious Solutions Except Reality

Dear LOSER,

In the time it took you to write to me, you could have put up a profile describing yourself as a “lover of life who always tries to look on the bright side and loves to cook and laugh” on Tinder, POF, Bumble, OKC, and even Zoosk. And, so help me, please do not tell me you spend any of the energy you do on finding a new sponsor actually looking for work. Waste of time. Get back out there, tell the new girl your sister needs you to move out because she is moving far far away forever, and hopefully you will be some lucky woman’s new boyfriend within a week! Hurry!

 

Hey Asian Chick,

I don’t have a dog or know any babies. Fuck. 

Thanks,

Mike

Dear Mike,

Shit. Okay, here is what you do if you really can’t get any friends to let you walk their dog or baby so you can take pictures pretending you love it: Go to the off leash dog park and pretend to wave at someone there across the way so no one thinks you are just a trying to steal their dog. Then, wait till a relatively minor dog tussle breaks out. One always does because people don’t worry about if their dogs are socialized well before taking them to these places- all they want is a short-cut to walking them. Then, be the good guy who breaks into the altercation and gently guides the smaller dog away with your very skilled dog-whisperer-ways. This is important: it must be the smaller dog, because if the bigger dog isn’t having it, you won’t look good for your photo. It’s important to have your phone ready for the selfie because you have to take it quickly in between calming the dog down while keeping your hair on-point and the dog’s owner coming over to claim Foo Foo back. If you can make a kissy-face to the dog without actually kissing it, so much the better. And for a baby, repeat the same process, exchanging “dog” for “baby.” Upon returning the dog/baby, say it was so cute you could not resist taking a photo in between the owner thanking you profusely for saving Foo Foo/baby Colter, I assume. Or, just drop the dog/baby and run as soon as they get to you and never see them again. Whatever.

 

Hey Asian Chick,

I don’t know what to write on my profile, so I didn’t write anything. I have a picture of me camping from two years ago. That’s fine, right?

Thanks,

Fellow Inexplicably Needs Expertise

Dear FINE,

It is.