Hey, it’s tough out there to be a man these days. It used to be, you could slap your secretary/nurse/teacher/pastor’s wife on the ass and everyone knew it was just you saying “Hey, you’d be an acceptable option for a roll in the hay” without needing to waste words. With dating apps being the most common way to find possible ass-slap recipients, how do you really connect without being in person? Sure, you can just ask someone right out if she wants to come over and perform sexual acts on you, or you can take the longer route and take her for drinks first, (but what if she orders a $15 cocktail??!) but, sometime, even being a gentleman like that doesn’t work. Women are even complaining about dick pics now! It’s baffling- if she sent you a comparable photo, you would be pleased and flattered. Women are confusing, as we all know.
After carefully polling single women who didn’t have restraining orders against us, we have concluded that the issue isn’t the dick in the pic, it’s the quality of the pic. As in, you aren’t showing your precious bits in the glorious light they deserve. Here, then, are ISJ’s Official Tips (get it?) for Taking the Best Dick Pics:
1) Know your Dick. The first step is a long, hard look at who your dick is. How can you truly showcase your dick in the best light if you don’t know what to highlight? Start with questions like these:
- What is my schlong’s name? If you haven’t named him yet (is that possible?!), think of something extremely manly. Raoul, Pablo, Manuel are some of our favorites, as well as Steele, Cedar, and I-beam.
- What does my cock like to do? Obviously, your goal with your dick pic is to give your little/big guy a chance to do what he likes best, but, outside of that, what gets him excited? Like, really stand up and engage? Is it mountain climbing? Skiing? Experiencing different cultures, like an open-air market in Morrocco? Chilling on the beach?
- What is my member’s worldview? Is he optimistic? Cynical? Spontaneous and open-minded? Or does he need to be friends first? You need to know the attitude you are trying to project in your pic, which also helps your dick attract the right chick.
2) What is your dick’s best angle? We know you only see it from the one angle, but, trust us, every dick has a “good side”- do you know yours? You might have to call an ex and ask. Women are very astute about these things and willing to give constructive feedback. Or, failing that (they might all hate you, because bitches be crazy), ask your roommate or a frat brother you haven’t seen in three years but are Facebook friends with, or one of the guys from your office with whom you occasionally play b-ball at the local blacktop while giving each other ineffectual relationship advice. It’s normal and fine to ask for this second or third or fourth opinion. That’s what friends, exes, and temporary administrative assistants in your office are for.
3) Is your dong a Spring? Summer? Autumn? Neutral? These things matter when lighting and accessorizing him for the pic. If you have him against a frayed peach towel in the background and he’s a Winter, you really are not doing him any favors. Consider, also, his best light. A warm glow? Something more stark with high contrast? Here is a great reference point to determine his skin tone and color palette. Print it out and place your buddy right on it to compare.
4) Are YOU equipped? As in, do you have the necessary equipment and know-how to take a high-quality, professional portrait if you dick? You may think this sounds like overkill, but consider this: how successful have your selfie-dick-pics been so far? No, it might not be always the chick just doesn’t know how to appreciate something good when she sees it; it could easily be that she was responding to the poor quality of the photo. A professional dick portrait is an investment. Think of it this way: you can get it done once, end up with 1-3 really good dick pics that show your johnson in the most flattering, alluring light, and be done with it. Have you ever had repeat requests for more dick pics? No, you haven’t. Make that one shot enough. She won’t know you sent that same pic to 20 other chicks last week. It’s called efficiency and it’s our little secret.
Remember, you only get one chance to make a first impression, so you want to show yourself, which is defined by your dick, in the best light.