Dude, What’s Your Love Language?

By Geoffrey P. Baron

It’s bad enough you had to know your Meyers-Briggs type just to make a profile on a dating app, and have an Insta that is carefully curated to show how exciting and hip your life is/should be, but now people are listing their Love Languages on there? Da fuck is that? Do you need to read a book about it? And talk about your feelings??

Nah.

ISJ is going to break that down for you, right here, right now.

First off, the Love Languages are about how you show love and receive love in unconditional love relationships, and no, criticism is not a love language. Nor is beer. Well.. maybe it kind of is.

Anyway, the idea is that if you know how you show love and receive love and you know the same about your girl (or parents, family, etc.), you will understand how to communicate clearly your care for them and they will know how to do the same for you. If they all read the book. Which, apparently, they probably did.

The 5 Love Languages, ISJ-style.

Chores -a.k.a. Acts of Service. This is a pretty common way men show they love someone. Like, when you got your chick’s car detailed, or you shoveled your grandma’s sidewalk. It means you show/receive love through doing something nice for the person. It does not apply when you bake a cake for your ex who said, “Get the hell off my property, Glen, before I call the cops!” Now, you can see how much of an issue this if you don’t know this Love Language crap, right? Your girl thinks you don’t care about her because you don’t want to cuddle and watch Cupcake Wars and you’re thinking “If I didn’t love you, babe, why did I drive your sister to the airport at 4AM last week?!”

Doin’ Shit Together – a.k.a. Quality Time. This Love Language is about spending time together, even if it’s no big deal, like cuddling on the couch and watching tv, or making dinner together, or bigger stuff, like date night, a road trip, or taking salsa lessons together. If your girl is happiest when she is just with you, she probably is into Doin’ Shit Together. Adjust accordingly and get your ass on that couch to watch a marathon of people making cupcakes within an impossible time frame and pay attention! She is going to want to know if you think those decorations are to scale or not and you better have an opinion. Also, do not comment about how the some of the cupcake bakers look like burlesque dancers. Just keep that observation to yourself.

Sexting – a.k.a. Words of Affirmation. She wants to hear the words. She wants you to tell her you think she is a total fox and smokin’ hot and your number one girl and she makes the best lasagna. Or, you want her to tell you how strong and smart and funny you are and how happy she is with you and how much she loves her clean car that you had detailed. Or, maybe you love those sappy cards your mom sends you on your birthday, or perhaps your mom is always asking you for more details about your life. (It’s that last one, right?) Anyway, if your girl is always pressing you to tell her what you thought when you first met her, or what you missed most about her when she was gone for the afternoon at the mall, it probably means she’s into the words and you better find some ASAP.

Sex – a.k.a. Physical Touch. Have you ever gone on a walk with your girl and she wanted to hold hands the entire 45 minutes? At a restaurant, do you sit side-by-side in a booth instead of across from each other? Do you like to tuck your hand under her leg while eating? All indicators that physical closeness is how you show/receive love. If your girl wants to hold your hand for an entire movie and your hand is so sweaty oh my god it’s so hot instead hold hands just past the sweat point, then pull away and shake your hand saying, “so sweaty!” so she knows you pulled away because you were hot and sweat is gross and not, at ALL, because you didn’t want to hold her hand. When she asks you to cuddle, you get in there and give her a good cuddle or you might find yourself doing the final Love Language….

Buying Shit – a.k.a. Gifts. This one is kind of funny, because gifts are part of so many events, but some people can’t tell you they love you, or show you, or touch you, or chill with you, or do something nice for you, so they give you a gift. Or maybe they can give you a gift and a very heartfelt note in a card, but they don’t hug you or try to set up time to hang out. Again, this is for unconditional love relationships only. For example, I have a sister like this. Her hugs are like trying to hug a cactus and she has this manner that screams, “I’m totally judging you right now”, but she buys people shit. Always has. Not big shit, like a boat, but like a stationary set or a hat or weird decorative plate I will never, ever hang in my home, always stuff that makes no sense for me. Ever. It’s a thing. You probably have someone like this in your life, or maybe it’s you! It’s fine as long as you and the people in your life know this is how you (or they) roll.